What's the magic word?!

My grandmother refuses to say please.

She will say it, occasionally, but only when one of us makes her say it by refusing to do what she's asked--no, not asked, demanded--until she says it. And there are many instances where she'd rather just do without whatever it was that she wanted than say that one little word. Seriously. She is THAT determined sometimes to not be pleasant. Often, actually, not just sometimes.

And nearly every time we're together and insist that she use her manners, she asks us why she has to. Can you believe that? My 74 year-old grandmother asks why she should use good manners! And she asks the same question over and over, each time, as though she's never asked it before.

So why is it that she a) won't say please and b) asks the same question about WHY we want her to say please?

Donald says it's just a control issue. Like a toddler. It's an area where she has complete control and since there are very few such areas left in her life she has to take it where and when she can get it. I'm sure Donald is right. It makes sense.

But still. . .

You'd think that someone who longs for nothing other than companionship--specifically companionship in the form of one of her children/grandchildren--would do whatever it took to make those people happy and interested in being around her. But noooooooo, grandma logic doesn't work that way. Grandma logic seems to be treat your loved ones as if they were your servants and make 'em really good and pissed off with you and then act totally clueless as to why they don't come around you more often.

Oh, and about the reason for the lack of a please: it's because her parents didn't teach her to say please. HER parents didn't say please, they said 'thank you' after the fact, and that's the way it's supposed to be done. Now her brother denies this. But that's grandma's story and she's stickin' to it.

Now the big question is: will she continue down this path of common courtesy resistance when she moves in with us? Or will she eventually acquiesce and behave herself? I hope, of course, that she chooses the latter option, but I have the feeling that it will be a long, hard road before (if) she gets to that point.

I suppose what I need to do is record myself:

"Grandma, you say 'please' when you ask for something because it's the polite thing to do and, besides, it turns a demand into a request and makes the person you've requested something from feel kindly towards you and, thus, more likely to carry out the request."

Also. . .

"Grandma, I am truly sorry that your parents taught you to believe that it was OK to be demanding and unpleasant and that people would respond positively to such treatment. That is just simply not true. It's not the way the world works. And even if it were, it's not the way that WE work and you simply will not get what you want if you don't ask for it nicely."

Maybe that would make the process a little easier? If nothing else, it would save me a lot of effort not having to repeat myself over and over and over and over and over. . .