Attention Psychology Students

Especially those of you who consider specializing in the elderly! I have the perfect person for you to meet. Turn her into a case study. Use her for your master thesis. Whatever you want to do with her, I'm fine with it.

I think she'd make for a fabulous project. If only someone could get into her head and confirm, once and for all, what the underlying reason is for her (bad) behavior. Or, I guess, if there even is a reason for it. Sometimes I get the feeling that my grandmother is truly lacking some crucial piece of mental, or emotional, capability--that piece that allows the majority of us to feel empathy, understand relationships and behave in a way that is acceptable by society's standards.

Grandma, it seems, just cannot do those things. Or she will not do them, one.

She's just so. . .self-absorbed. Self-centered.

Unpleasant.

I know now why Mr. B spent so much time outside. Avoiding her is the only way to coexist with her. Mr. Bennett, rest his soul, didn't have any hobbies or excuses for getting away. If he had, maybe he'd still be here with us.

Me, I come home, say hello and immediately go to my room. Once there I LOCK the door (just shutting it has no effect--she's not past opening it if she's determined to get to me). And that's where I'll stay, for the most part. I do sneak out occasionally to go to the kitchen, or outside to play with the kids. And we do eat dinner together usually. Generally that's not too unpleasant of an activity; although her table manners, like her manners in general, often leave a lot to be desired. Other than that, though, I studiously avoid her.

It's sad, really. I have no desire to be around her. And I do actively avoid her. I sneak around my own house just so I don't have to interact with her because interacting with her is generally an unpleasant experience.

And why? That's what I'd like to know. Why is she the way she is? She's been told many times, and in no uncertain terms, exactly what she does that causes me (and the rest of her family) to feel the way I do about her and respond the way I do to her, but it has no effect on her behavior whatsoever. And not only does it have no effect, it's as though she's hearing it all for the very first time anytime someone mentions the cause and effect of her behavior to her.

It's so frustrating.

She has the information to make changes. If she'd only listen and absorb the feedback she gets. But she won't. Or she can't. I can't decide which it is. Maybe it's both. She can't, but if she could she wouldn't?

Yes, I know that doesn't make sense, but that's Grandma. People ask me all the time how it's going living with her and I always tell them, you'd just have to meet her to understand.

There's no one else like her.

And that could be a good thing. In most cases being unique is a plus. In Grandma's case, though, it isn't.

I wish that someone could just. . .fix her. Get inside her head, figure out what's there, maybe give her some medication to make the wheels turn and the cogs click again (if they ever did to begin with). Ever the optimist, I keep waiting for the epiphany--surely one day she's going to experience one? Right? (Please?)

In the meantime, I guess I'll continue this Mission Impossible approach to cohabitation. It sounds mean, I know, I'm fully aware, but it's the only way to survive her.

(Note: It's Sunday a.m. Guess what time I woke up?! Grrrrrrrr. I suppose I should be thankful, though, I'm just a weekend insomniac now. Actually, just a Sunday a.m. insomniac. Perhaps there is a god and he has a very evil sense of humor?)