My grandmother died June 4.

http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/newsobserver/obituary.aspx?n=sadie-j-bennett&pid=143338690

It's been almost two months now. And I miss her terribly.

Not that I was all that great about keeping up with her while she was here. But that doesn't really matter. Because when she was here, she really wasn't here. Not in the end.

Or was she?

I realize, in retrospect, that I never really knew my grandmother.

One of the most important influences on my life. And I never knew her. How the fuck does that happen?

Because we take each other for granted, that's how. Or at least that's certainly what happened in my case. I took it for granted that my grandmother loved me and would look out for me no matter what. I never bothered to wonder who she was and what she wanted. What she hoped for, what she dreamed about. I never asked her how she got to where she was and what she thought about the situation.

I'm such a dumbass.

I miss her so much.

I wish I could have protected her more than I did in the end.